My experience with period education probably looks kinda similar to yours - the boys being hurried out of R.E class so they could learn about their balls whilst the girls passed around a super sized maxi pad and got told that this was the future we could look forward to. Idk whether the lads actually learned anything about menstruation, but with so many blokes still being grossed out by periods in the year of our lord 2023, all signs point to ‘no’. A lack of understanding about periods for sure feeds into confusion and (internalised) misogyny for everyone. In the spirit of countering that, here’s some of the best questions that cis men have about periods, answered with a hearty mix of satire and solemnity. Let’s get into it.

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Can you still have sex when you’re on your period, and can you get pregnant?

Oh yeah, we fuck. I mean, we can if we want to. It's a bit of blood. You won’t melt. If we're heavily bleeding then maybe it's not worth the mess, but there's nothing weird or wrong about doing it. Just like throw a towel down or something. And whilst it’s super unlikely that some little spermies can get through all the collapsing womb Indiana Jones style, there’s still a chance we can get pregnant on our periods. Better to be safe than sorry, so always put the little fella in his raincoat before he goes exploring.

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Does period blood get lighter in the summer and darker in the winter?

What? No.

Period blood comes in all colours and consistencies, and can change colour throughout each cycle but it’s not wine, babes - the time of harvest doesn’t alter the fluids produced, you get me?

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Do you ever want to taste your blood?

Constantly, but maybe that’s just because I’m still a goth at heart and would love to be a camp little vampire. Joking.

Have you ever wanted to eat any of your bodily excretions? Didn’t think so. Maybe eating your blood will lead to female emancipation. Shout out to Germaine Greer (that’s one for all my A Level Feminist Politics Girlies).

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Why don’t you just stop having your period, or get it out all at once?

Yep. Real question.

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So technically you can stop your period temporarily with the magic of hormones, either by getting chemically Eiffel Tower’d by back to back contraceptive pills or with the implant/coil, but this isn't available for all. I wish I could just get a cheeky copper coil and never bleed again, but it’s not worth the pain of cystic acne, the pain of insertion, or the pain of answering a billion questions from every curious bloke in a ten mile radius of my location.

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Another alternative is something called Norethisterone that stops it temporarily if you have something important like a holiday or you found out Matty Healy is in town.

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Oh, and you just can’t get it all out in one go, do you have worms from brains?

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Do girls really sync up?

I’ve lived in an all girls house where everyone who was capable of bleeding managed to orchestrate a harmonious red symphony but the science is pretty mixed on it, with studies showing both positive and negative results, while the most recent studies suggesting it's a myth.

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Either way, I like to think of our uteruses as all powerful, combining to make a hive-womb. 80% of women believe periods can sync, and 70% said they loved that. Proud member of that 70% right here.

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Does it smell?

Everything smells, numb nuts. It smells like blood.

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Does your period make you horny?

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It depends, actually. Scientifically speaking, we’re supposed to be horniest around day 14 of the 28 day cycle (that’s when we ovulate, pull-out method girlies jot that number down) which is nature's way of making us reproduce when we're at a fertile point, I guess. The hormone progesterone, which dampens the libido is at a low during our periods which could explain why some of us love a blood bonk. Also blood makes everything a bit lubey down there, especially if you’re on team maxi pad.

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Can you pee with a tampon in?

Yup, and you should see what else we stick up there! Read here.