I know the terms “extrovert” and “introvert” are out and we’re all now just ebbing and flowing between peaks of highs and lows, moving back and forth between: “I’m so funny and entertaining I could have a Netflix standup special” and “my social anxiety is so bad today that I don’t even want to scroll on TikTok”. But I’ve been fortunate enough to have been forced multiple times in my life to be alone, anxiety or no anxiety. It hurt at first (it still does sometimes), but I’ve learned how to make the most of it and even crave it after not being alone for some time. 

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Just like writer Sara Maitland wrote in her book “How to be alone” (part of The School of Life’s ‘How To’ guides): "Think about it for a moment. It is truly very odd…We live in a society which sees high self-esteem as a proof of well-being, but we do not want to be intimate with this admirable and desirable person.” When I read this line a few years ago I felt seen, heard, even touched, because it showed how much I needed to spend time by myself to actually get to love myself. 

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So, where am I going? Two years ago I put myself up to the task to actively book time to be by myself and do things alone and at least try to enjoy it. I’m not gonna lie, it was a journey, but I got there. My first solo-dinner-date was excruciating, especially because part of the deal with myself was that I couldn’t take my phone out (except, of course, if I needed it). I felt observed, I felt judged, I felt so alone. But as time went by I scheduled drawing classes, walks in the park, coffee dates, gallery days… I started enjoying myself more and more. I realised that I could listen to my own thoughts better and more kindly. I realised that I started taking better care of myself. I realised that I LOVED spending time by myself with only my thoughts’ and feelings’ company but I just had never given myself the time and space to be “intimate with myself”. 

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It’s important to note that some of this time I have been single but the biggest chunk of it I’ve been in a relationship and I still see this time as crucial for my well being. We live in a world in which we have completely forgotten about what it means to listen to our thoughts and have internal monologues in which we argue with our two (or multiple) selves because it’s easier (and less scary) to go on TikTok and listen to someone else’s thoughts instead. And just as we nurture our friendships, romantic relationships and put time and energy into spending quality time with our family, why the hell aren’t we doing the same with ourselves?! 

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You're such a brilliant, smart, interesting, beautiful being so worth spending time with, so maybe today (or tomorrow or whenever you have time in this ultra capitalistic world) book a self-date, something that will make you happy and spend that time with that brilliant person. Happy Valentine’s Day, but really happy any day! 

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