The Office Poo™.

A time to relax, unwind, and strain away a good 15 minutes on the company’s dime.  

It’s the only time in your life you get paid to poo. Unless you’re a Scatalogical Dominatrix, which must be a hell of a Linkedin page for your old school mates to stumble on.

Taking a long number 2 is one of life’s finer pleasures.

You’ve read the Daily Mail article about a python that slithered up a toilet pipe. And now you’re shooting an anaconda down the other way.

But, sadly, your colleagues are grubby little clock-watchers. They know you left your desk at 15:03 and they’re questioning why you’re not back at 15:18.

So, here’s how to get away with murder the perfect Office Poo™.

Walk Slow, Run Fast

Get up from your desk and walk slowly towards the toilets. Really slowly. Limp. Then, the moment you’re out of sight, bolt for the loo. Literally the moment you turn the corner. When you return to your desk, your colleagues will assume you limped the whole way. So the extra 5 minutes? Understandable.You might even get some sympathy for your leg when you return from your, frankly, bougie sh*t.

Excuses, Excuses

Sometimes you just need a really long Office Poo™.Perhaps your boss is telling another of his long-winded “Jokes”. Perhaps your colleagues have decided to play Spotify’s Christmas Playlist in, and I don’t mean to swear, but, f*cking January.Here’s how to add an hour.Simply come back and make up an excuse about something that happened on the way.You got wrapped up in a thing. Your nose started bleeding. There was a fire, but don’t worry everyone, I put it out. Yes, a fire. No, no need to get out of your seats. No, no need to clap. Oh, go on then.Excuses are potent. Powerful. The perfect way to add an hour to your paid toilet time. But use excuses wisely. Because there’s only so much homework a dog can eat before your colleagues get suspicious.

With that, we wish you the best of luck. Hopefully, you’re reading this on the loo, and are about to put these tips in practice. Before you flush, remember to subscribe to the Good Jobs for Bad People newsletter for more advice on navigating this crazy economy.