Be honest, you had your fun this summer huffing and puffing on colourful lil’ vapes. But then winter came around and you realised that sucking on those fruity batteries had sucked you into a full-blown nicotine addiction. Between having to constantly nip outside for a ‘vape of shame’ in the freezing cold, and splashing half our pay-checks at the off license, your silly little vape habit became less and less fun every day. You swore that you’d quit by Christmas. But it was all-too-easy to cop “one last vape” for the office xmas party, and then another for your friendsmas dinner and before you knew it, January 1st had come around and you were still undeniably hooked.

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\Working out has become harder, hasn’t it? You used to be able to knock out a 5k without even trying, but now you pant walking up the stairs to your office. It ain’t easy being wheezy and you’re the wheeziest of them all. You don’t even wanna think about the havoc that all those disposable vapes you’ve huffed down is wreaking on the environment. Elf bars litter the streets of London, and even when correctly binned the seductive smoking sticks literally cannot be destroyed. You’d never even think about buying a plastic water bottle, but you plough through 2 vapes a week? Yikes.

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But hey, there’s no judgement here, because guess what? I was in the same boat. My ‘that girl’ morning routine used to go something like this: alarm. vape. coffee. self-loathing. commute. Once my friendly night-out companion, my vape soon became my mortal enemy. So I killed the motherfucker, and now I’m gonna show how you can too.

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STEP 1: COMMIT VAPECIDE

Murder is bad, but killing your vape isn’t. The way I see it, your vape is trying to off you slowly, so you’ve gotta flip the switch and murder that bitch first. Take a hammer and smash your disposables to smithereens, or drown them in your sink...the more violent the better when it comes to committing vapeicide. This is the fun bit. You’ve gotta really enjoy the process because trust me, you’re gonna be feeling pretty fucking low once the nic withdrawals start to hit.

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STEP 2: GET THROUGH THE WITHDRAWALS

I’m not gonna sugar coat it; withdrawal sucks ass. At my lowest point I switched between screaming at my lovely (non-vaping) golden retriever boyfriend and literally weeping in his lap. Not very cool-girl of me won’t lie. But he didn’t break up with me, and I now don’t smoke vapes! What a win! Wanna be like me? Stupid question, of course you do. Here’s how you do it:

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STEP 2A: EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

Nicotine suppresses your appetite, so when you quit, you’re gonna be hella hungry. My top tip? Lean into it. Eat literally everything in sight. Getting your snack on is gonna help you get your dopamine levels up, and it’s gonna give your mouth something to do aside from huffing fruit flavoured clouds. Win-win.

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STEP 2B: UNDERSTAND THE TIMELINE

The first 5 days are the hardest. By days 3-5, all traces of nicotine will have left your symptom. Unsurprisingly, this is when peak physical symptoms will be the worst.If you can make it past these 5 days, you’re gonna be just fine. By day 14, your body has usually detoxed of all nicotine bi-products, so you’re gonna start feeling so. much. better. Once day 30 rolls around, normal dopamine levels should be returning and you’re gonna feel FUCKING AMAZING. Like the happiness of Christmas morning, birthday sex and chocolate cake COMBINED. Yeah, that good.

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STEP 3: CURE THE ORAL FIXATION

Even if your mind isn’t SCREAMING for nicotine anymore, your mouth probs misses having something to suck on all day long (this sounded way grosser than I intended). Anyway, its super helpful to find something other than carcinogenic elf bars to wrap your lips around! My go-to is ice-cold water out of a sippy bottle (elite choice). Other top contenders include: (plastic free) gum, nicotine free-vapes (bonus points if you choose Ripple+, cos they’re super sustainable), and lollipops.

Happy sucking!

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STEP 4: REINFORCE GOOD HABITS (& CELEBRATE SMALL WINS)

Humans are creatures of habit. So, when you kick out a bad habit, one of the best ways to make sure it stays gone for good, is to replace it with a good one! Think of it as mental hacking. Here’s what I did: every time I craved my vape, I’d pick up my sippy bottle and get hydrated. Not only did it replicate the oral fixation that vaping used to give me, but it helped me to get in the habit of drinking more water. Pretty neat, huh? If you’re already a hydrated queen, you could try doing 10 press ups every time you want to break your sobriety. You’ll end up nic free and jacked as hell. Nice. Most importantly, don’t forget to celebrate the small wins. Quitting vaping is so fucking hard. So, set a date to reach and celebrate when you get there (just don’t party so hard that you end up back in the off license trying to get your disposable vape fix, ok?)

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