“You look good, by the way,” you splutter out loud in the impossibly cold interview room, “Is the suit new?”.

The 28-year-old in the suit sitting in front of you nods a yes. Without looking up. The silence is punctured only by the tap-tap-tap of her iPad.

After a minute you begin to hum a tune to yourself. Levels by Avicii. She sighs and shoots you a look that says Stop Humming Levels by Avicii.

So you do.

“We’ll be in touch,” she stands and says. She won’t. On the train home, you realise you should have read the Good Jobs For Bad People’s article.

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What Not To Say In An Interview.

Let’s face it. Interviews are decided quickly.

Some research shows the Interviewer knows whether they like you in less than a second.

So, relax. Some will go your way. Loads more won’t.

But there are some things that you definitely shouldn’t say in a job interview.

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Here’s three:

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1. “When do I start?”

It’s not always a good idea to blow your own trumpet. No matter what Marilyn “I got a rib removed” Manson says. Basically, don’t be cocky. Even if you get a cocky vibe from the Interviewer. And you, helplessly scrabbling for common ground, decide to try to match him. It’s much better to play it humble. An Interviewer is looking to find a diamond in the rough. They’re looking for talent, from someone who can’t necessarily see they’re a talent. They want to be like Simon Cowell. On X-factor. Back when it was good. They want to stop you mid-sentence, make gun-fingers and say ‘You’re through to the Judge’s houses, baby’. So let them. Don’t pretend you’ve got the thing. Even as a joke. Let them feel in control. They’ll like it.

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2. “My old job? What a bunch of f****** nerds!”

Okay, a lot to unpack here. Firstly, swearing isn’t a great interview strategy. Unless you’re applying for Brian Blessed’s PA. The main problem here is the fact you’re slagging off your old job. While we all love a good gossip, if you indulge in it in the interview, it’s a bit of a red flag for the company. The thinking goes like this. If your friend always complains about other people behind their backs, they likely complain about you as well behind yours. So if you gossip about your old company, then that tells the Interviewer you will likely also gossip about their company, too. When they ask you how your experience was at your, let’s face it, dire old job, just smile and say something like; “I learned a lot.” They’ll know you’re talking about a bunch of f****** nerds.

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3. “I feel like the cinematography in Otomo’s Akira (1991) has been unmatched in modern anime. Studio Ghibli is a terrible mainstream example of the corporatisation of Japanese cinema and I for one-”

Let me stop you right there. I’m sure you have a very nuanced, hyper-specific opinion on a topic you care passionately about, but here’s the issue. You’re trying to establish common ground. You don’t just want to fit the job criteria. There’s a thousand other people who do that. What you want to do is be someone they would like to work with. Someone positive. Up for a challenge. Interesting. You’re not just a tool, you’re a person. You’re not just a screwdriver. You’re a Phillip’s screwdriver.

“So, hello Phillip. What are your interests?”

“I love Japanese cinema.”

“Nice. I like cinema in general. Have you seen Napoleon?”

“I haven’t but I’d love to.”

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Woah, look at you go, kiddo. You’re flying.