Abandon all hope ye who enter here...

Just kidding, bestie. We’ve all seen/read American Psycho, right? Of course we have. It’s so iconic and she (Patrick Bateman) is so literally me (I too work in an office). Every good girlboss knows that the most sexy and satisfying bit of the whole film is watching Mr Bateman do his whole little get ready with me, vogue beauty secrets moment, morning routine - it’s so extra, so camp, so yaaaaspilled. He may be insane, but his skincare is impeccable. I could fix him.

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Q: How can you tell LJ wrote a blog?

A: When there’s a needless definition section ofc!

What the fuck is a Sigma?

Sigma Male

1. A male that occupies outside a social or group hierarchy; a lone wolf or maverick.

2. Man with microphone make mouth sounds on podcast with friends, no like women. Women nasty. Time money.

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Aside from the obvious – a critique of masculinity, commentary on conspicuous consumption in the 1980s, exploring modern man’s lust for power and status -murderous Manhattan businessman Patrick Bateman was obsessive over his vanity regime in the morning. Which comprised of ice-packs, cleansers, almond body scrubs, protective lotion and more. Now thanks to the powers of contemporary internet culture, you too can go through a needlessly long self-care routine that will definitely secure you a reservation at Dorsia on a Friday night. Everyone will be wondering how you swung that one.

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“I tie a plastic ice pack around my face and commence with the morning’s stretching exercises”

Okay, Bella Hadid! Slay!

We love a facial icing moment so much, we wrote about it in our It Girl Habits Guide and we’re doing a lil bit of investigative journalism around Cold Water Immersion that you can check out in the future if that sounds like a bit of you. Anyway, if you’re trying to get into your sigma grindset you can start your day with our selection of super cool facial stuff and gym gear so you can get straight into the Bateman headspace!

“I pour some Plax antiplaque formula into a stainless-steel tumbler and swish it around my mouth for thirty seconds. Then I squeeze Rembrandt onto a faux- tortoiseshell toothbrush and start brushing my teeth (too hung over to floss properly – but maybe I flossed before bed last night?) and rinse with Listerine”

Oral hygiene is the best hygiene. We’ve got some really good mouthwashes and toothpastes that’ll be sure to get all the blood from between your teeth!

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“I take the ice-pack mask off and use a deep-pore cleanser lotion. Then an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I check my toenails. I wash the facial masque off with a spearmint face scrub”Skincare queen, I love. We’ve got loads of pore cleansers, scrubs, and chemical exfoliant alternatives for my girlies with texture - you are seen here.

“In the shower I use first a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub.”

I just know he smells good.

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“Vidal Sassoon shampoo is especially good at getting rid of the coating of dried perspiration, salts, oils, airborne pollutants and dirt that can weigh down hair and flatten it to the scalp which can make you look older. The conditioner is also good – silicone technology permits conditioning benefits without weighing down the hair which can also make you look older”.

Come through, miss knowledge! We’ve got even more really good alternatives for these hair products.

“Afterwards splash cool water on the face to remove any trace of lather. You should use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol. Never use cologne on your face, since the high alcohol content dries your face out. Then I always slather on a moisturiser (to my taste, Clinique) and let it soak in for a minute.”

We’ve got really good moisturisers for those of you who can’t yet afford Clinique, and we’re subbing aftershave for toners, because us gworls don’t wanna smell like tobacco and sandalwood or whatever.

“Then apply an anti-aging eye balm (Baume Des Yeux) followed by a final moisturising ‘protective’ lotion”

I love eye creams, literally such a slut for a good cooling under-eye gel. And then the protective lotion *chef’s kiss*. Mr Bateman is truly a city girl, and knows how important it is to protect yourself from pollution n all that shit.

“A scalp-programming lotion is used after I towel my hair dry. I also lightly blow-dry the hair to give it body and control (but without stickiness) and then add more of the lotion, shaping it with a Kent natural- bristle brush, and finally slick it back with a wide-tooth comb”

Hot girls look after their hair yes they do. No matter what your hair type is, we’ve got you fully covered.

Congrats Girlie!

You’re now a certified sigma, ready to trade stocks, start a podcast, buy NFTs and know the reason we can’t just print more money! Kidding, go live your best life, you absolute unhinged weirdo.

I love you lots. Now go cause problems.

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