There’s no magic words you can say to someone to help when they’ve lost someone. It’s basically just totally shit, but it’s sometimes hard to know what the right thing to say or do can be. 

Here’s a list of things you can do to help someone you love if they’re grieving. And some stuff to definitely not do, because we all need a laugh at other people’s expense sometimes.  

1. Listen and ask:

‍If you’ve not dealt with death, it can be easy to clam up and go quiet. It feels like a taboo subject, but people might actually want to talk about what happened or the person who died. Encourage happy memories by asking questions like “What were they like?”. The likelihood is that they might cry, but just be kind. If you’re the kind of person who says stuff like “I’m just really awkward” maybe find a different way to help. 

2. Be practical:

Our neighbours brought round brownies, pies and cakes the same day. This feels like a weird concept when you live in a city and have only seen your upstairs neighbours once but helping your pals by making dinner, doing tasks for them like going to the post office, helping with washing or anything to take it off their mind is so useful. 

3. Send flowers:

This is lovely, but it’s not the best. A card or letter with memories or thoughts that lasts longer is much better.

4. Check in regularly:

A friend texted me every day for 3 weeks asking how I was and it kept me sane.

5. Be patient:

Grief doesn't have a timeline. As someone experiencing this right now, I am going through a transition slowly of ‘sad days with happy moments’ to ‘happy days with sad moments’ and to be honest, I think that will be how it is forever. 

6. Plan things:

‍Having stuff in the calendar that you look forward to is super important. Book restaurants, plan walks, organise holidays, think about day trips, anything you can organise will always be well received and thoughtful. 

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7. Definitely do not say stuff like “at least it wasn’t…”. Grief is not comparative, and even though we know everyone goes through it at some point, it doesn’t make it any easier.

‍8. Don’t send one text saying “Here if you want to talk.” and then not follow up later. Whilst it’s a kind gesture, there’s other useful things to do if talking isn’t your strong suit. 

9. Don’t immediately start talking about loads of other people that have died. It’s not particularly comforting.