Do you guys watch Seinfeld? Me neither, because I’m not ancient. But there’s this joke in the show where George keeps trying to start conversations by talking about toilet roll. It’s idle small talk - mentioning how is just paper on a cardboard roll, and in 10,000 years, it will be exactly the same, because what else can they do?Well apparently then can make loo roll out of literally anything. let's talk about the great toilet paper revolution of our time. You know, the one where startups, desperately searching for something to disrupt, decided to set their sights on the humble toilet paper. Who would have thought? We've got companies like Who Gives a Crap, Tushy, Cheeky Monkey, and No. 2, all determined to reinvent the very essence of wiping your butt. I can hear the angels singing. These new toilet paper pioneers are all about being design-forward and using theoretically sustainable materials. Because, you know, wiping your derriere with eco-friendly paper is what the world truly needs right now. They've even jumped on the subscription-based bandwagon, just like those millennial-focused makeup and foam mattress brands.The push for fancy toilet paper reached its peak with a semi-viral report from the Natural Resources Defense Council (NRDC) , made publically available in February 2019. They decided to enlighten us all with a sustainability scorecard for our beloved toilet paper brands, but instead of giving them a cool little globe as a score, it was just a standard boring grading system. Surprise, surprise, major American brands like Charmin, Quilted Northern, and Kirkland Signature got an F. Welcome to the Toilet Paper Revolution - the strangest ethicality rabbit hole I’ve ever fallen down.

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Welcome to the strange world of the toilet paper industry. It's a place filled with copycats, irritating influence-entrepreneur speak, and claims of sustainability that crumble under the slightest scrutiny. But hey, at least they're trying, right? They're attempting to make improvements, sort of. Well, maybe. Let's not get our hopes up too high.We’re gonna take a second to look at the big boys in the bog roll industry on our side of the pond for a second - Cushelle, Velvet, ASDA Own-Brand - as well as the heavy hitters in the land of the five-dollar-footlong - Procter & Gamble (Charmin), Kimberly Clark (Cottonelle, Scott), and Georgia-Pacific (Quilted Northern, Angel Soft).

These companies rely on freshly cut trees to make their oh-so-soft toilet paper. Who cares about the environment when you can have a plush wiping experience, right? The process involves an impressive amount of water, energy, bleach, formaldehyde, and various other chemicals. It's like a science experiment gone wrong. Bravo, guys. A lot of these companies do have sustainability info available on their websites, but it’s all a lot of talk about plans to be ‘fully recyclable by 2030’ and ‘responsible sourcing’, which basically means that trees will be planted once an area has fallen victim to deforestation. Some geniuses in the toilet paper startup world claim that toilet paper itself is an inferior tool for the task at hand. They compare it to cleaning dishes with dry paper. And guess what? They have a solution: water! Brilliant, isn't it? Apparently, the rest of the world is onto something with bidets and other water-based solutions. It's time to upgrade, people! Realistically, using a bidet or just plain water is obviously the most sustainable option here - it means you’re not using any single use products or clogging up pipes, but is it really cleaner? Not really - using toilet paper properly is no less sanitary than using a bidet. Poop on your skin? Not dangerous at all, unless you have a peculiar desire to ingest it. The real danger lies in excessive moisture causing fungal infections. Thankfully, toilet paper excels at combating that. So, it may not be perfect, but it's got your back (or bum). Just make sure you shower properly - letting the water trickle between your cheeks doesn’t count and that’s why you’re still getting skidders in your boxies at your big age.

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Who Gives a Crap may sound like a bunch of jokers, but they're serious about their eco-credentials. They proudly wear the badge of a certified B corporation, ticking all the boxes of environmental sustainability, fair employment, and transparency. But wait, there's more! They generously donate half of their profits, a whopping $1.7 million US so far, to various organisations around the globe. They're like the Robin Hood of the toilet paper realm, funding projects that dig pit latrines, install septic systems, and maintain clean and safe toilets. Talk about putting your money where your toilet is. When it comes to convenience, Who Gives a Crap has got you covered with their online store. You can subscribe and have their pretty-designed toilet paper delivered straight to your door or go à la carte if you're feeling fancy. Oh, and don't forget, their website is a sight to behold, well-designed and all. Plus, they've managed to kick plastic to the curb, eliminating it from their supply chain. Kudos to them for taking on the plastic monster.
Who Gives a Crap may be a tad more expensive, with a 5 or 10 percent premium compared to your run-of-the-mill toilet paper. But hey, if you're willing to spend a few extra quid to save the world one wipe at a time, go ahead and treat your behind to a luxurious wiping experience.

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The moment that model hit the scene, it was shamelessly imitated. Tushy, originally a bidet seller, thought, "Why not hop on the bandwagon?" and started peddling bamboo toilet paper in early 2018. No. 2, even featured on Goop (go figure), decided to join the party in April 2019. And oh boy, did the space get crowded. Some companies went all out with their offensive macho wipes, while others thought they were being revolutionary by selling paper made from sugarcane. And then there were those who didn't even bother trying anything different. But hey, they all claimed to have eco-friendly paper. None of them, though, cared to bother with that whole giving-away-half-your-profits gig like Who Gives a Crap did. In 2017 Samira Far, the brains behind No. 2, was on the lookout for her next big idea after selling her chain of "cleaner and nicer" nail salons. She thought to herself, "Hmm, what industry needs a major makeover?" And there it was, shining like a porcelain throne—toilet paper. According to Samira, it was an "outdated industry" in dire need of a facelift. She saw potential in giving it a cute bathroom-friendly branding and packaging. But hey, that's not all. In her research, she stumbled upon the environmental angle and realised she could make it more eco-friendly, reducing the number of chemicals lurking within those rolls.No. 2's main focus, however, lies in its design and product quality. The whole environmental stuff just seemed like a fortunate accident along the way. Samira's not one of those die-hard zero-waste activists, mind you. She claims to be all about being eco-friendly whenever it's convenient, but you won't catch her at the supermarket filling up jars with beans and nuts. She's got limits, people.

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No. 2's bamboo toilet paper may tick some eco-friendly boxes, but let's not mistake it for a passionate crusade for the environment. It feels more like your run-of-the-mill startup that's just happy things worked out in a somewhat greenish way. No. 2 isn't any more obnoxious than the rest of the bunch though; there's a definite Silicon Valley vibe going on in this space. It's just that someone, somewhere, probably compared it to being the "Uber for toilet paper," and that just feels like a really icky way to describe it.These new toilet paper companies typically offer three types of paper. You've got the 100 percent bamboo variety, like what No. 2 and Tushy sell. Some companies, like Pure Planet Club, opt for a blend of bamboo and sugarcane fibres (the leftovers after squeezing the cane for its juice to make sugar). And then there's Who Gives a Crap, which started and primarily relies on its 100 percent recycled toilet paper. Recycled paper is undoubtedly the best environmental choice, requiring far less energy, especially in terms of transportation needs.But let's give bamboo some credit—it's an intriguing alternative. It's a grass that grows like lightning, needs minimal water and zero pesticides, and can be harvested multiple times because, well, it just keeps growing back. The only downside is that most sizeable bamboo producers are in China, where environmental and labor concerns are sometimes swept under the rug (although this could change, as bamboo can thrive almost anywhere). That's where the Forest Stewardship Council (FSC) certification becomes crucial, despite its limitations posing a problem.Switching away from your ordinary Charmin is a step in the right direction, objectively speaking. Despite the issues surrounding bamboo production and processing, it remains a far superior environmental option compared to decimating wild forests. The idea itself—from Seventh Generation to Who Gives a Crap and the countless imitators—is fundamentally sound.

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However, that doesn't mean the imitators aren't irksome. According to Alexander from Who Gives a Crap, companies that copy their model without encouraging a shift towards a more sustainable option or providing an inferior sustainable alternative are the real nuisances. They not only harm their business but also undermine the entire movement. Few companies actually incorporate donation elements into their practices. Better Planet plants trees, and the longstanding Seventh Generation, the pioneer in this space, donates a measly 10 percent of its profits.For Far, it's just another disruptive venture. She's not particularly concerned about the copycats. None of the companies that came before No. 2 achieved monumental success, so there's still room in the market. In her words, "Anyone can do what I'm doing, but branding is all about the different energy behind it. It's about the unique voice, energy, and feel of the brand, whether it resonates with you or not."Like many well-intentioned disruptions, these new toilet paper makers are probably making some positive impact. On one end of the spectrum, there's the potential for genuine change. On the other end, there's consumerism, greenwashing, and millennial-focused marketing ploys. It's hard to avoid the irony, so here's a fitting punchline: The toilet paper industry is one messy business.