Toilet anxiety. The unspoken bane of a mod-metro-worker's life. “Apparently” lack of comfort and convenience in toilet facilities is ranked as the number one reason for workplace dissatisfaction. I mean, think about the productivity losses that our economy faces every day, because there’s not enough good quality bogs knocking about. Too many minds focused on holding it in, and not enough focused on holding it up. Their work, that is.

But what if you don’t even have an office? Who cares about your bowel movements?

Offices these days are somewhat overrated (not by me, mind). The WeWork bubble has burst, so teams work remotely and most founders or ‘solopreneurs’ don’t want to pick up the cost of a permanent space. Coffee-shop-hopping has become the go-to for go-doers.

And YET (that’s a capital Y-E-T) if there’s three things we all know about coffee shops, it’s that there’s only ever one toilet, It’s mixed, and there’s always someone you fancy going in straight after you. The result? An allergic-like commitment to never taking a dump and its subsequent physical and emotional discomfort.

That’s all any of us really want from our work space isn’t it? Flat whites on-tap, an adequate amount of exposed ceiling to look at and a sweet, sweet place to take a crap. Surely there’s a way to hack the hipster code.

For the neometropolitan, here are 5 clean, comfortable and private places to take poops in London whilst coffee-shop-hopping.

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1. Brasserie Zedel (Piccadilly/Soho)

The sweetener here is that there is a bar and restaurant downstairs (beyond the initial cafe you walk into). So when you’re skipping through the cafe, the staff assume you’re just heading-on down to one of their other spots.

Walk through the entrance (thanking the doorman, of course) and head confidently to the left, straight down the corridor then down the stairs. Feel free to take a moment here to laud some of the old movie posters as you shimmy down the grandiose steps of this stunning old building. But don’t linger too long as you may shit yourself.

When you get to the bottom of the stairs, the toilets will be directly to your left.

Downside: The 4G/5G is a little sketchy down there, so you’ll have to be content with no content. Great chance to reconnect with yourself and prepare the afternoons to-do list.

P.S. The coffee upstairs is charming, and peek your head into the dining room downstairs, it’s a marvel, and the prix fixe downstairs for £16 is great value.

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2. Radisson Blu Edwardian Mercer Street Hotel, London (Covent Garden / Seven dials)

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As with most hotels on this list, it’s important to walk confidently past reception if you’re heading towards the restaurant. Staff will assume that you’re either meeting someone or you’re a guest.

Walk through the main door (entrance on Seven Dials roundabout), follow the lobby with the reception desk on your right, at the end turn right and follow signs down the stairs to the toilets. These toilets are very dark and calming. Great for a nice relaxed, rejuvenating dump.

Again, there is trouble with the signal so no Youtube for you. However, these toilets are like the crapping equivalent of lying in savasana pose (it's a yoga thing), so a social media cleanse is befitting.

3. GA KingsX - Bar & Kitchen // Pullman Hotel (Kings Cross / Euston)

The first place on the list where you may have to be a little bit careful.

The place is a bar/restaurant that’s attached to the hotel and very occasionally there’ll be a very non-threatening receptionist if you enter the G.A restaurant entrance. Just tell them you’re meeting a friend in the bar/hotel and that should do it.

The toilets are situated directly in front of you as you walk in, straight down the stairs. Lots of cubicles and nice lighting which always puts my bum at ease.

If you happen to walk in through the hotel entrance however, those same stairs are situated past the reception on your right. It’s always relatively busy and the space is big, so you should be uninterrupted en route to dropping the kids off.

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4. Mondrian Hotel Shoreditch (Shoreditch - Curtain Road)

Revolving doors always make me feel appeased when searching for Brown Town. Somehow I feel a little less conspicuous. The reception to the hotel is tucked away a little on the left so keep moving to the right as you enter.

You have two options here now depending on what mood you’re in. Ahead of you to the right should be the entrance to the restaurant (Bibo). If there’s no one caring to notice you, walk through the entrance then to your left, before the bar, is the stairs to the toilets. Always clean. Always nice down there.

The other option is head to the lifts immediately in-front of you and hit the top floor. I think it’s floor 14 but I could be wrong so just commit to the biggest number you see. If at any point anyone asks where you’re going, say you’re meeting a friend at ‘Laurels on the roof’.

When you come out the lift on the top floor, ahead is the restaurant but you've got a one way ticket to defecationsville (proud of that one), so turn immediately right and the toilets will be right in front of you.

Not many cubicles but always quiet, nice and another nice spot to stop off after you’ve done your business. Top floor pool in the Summer and nice coffee. I have had some crappy experiences there though (no pun intended), they really are into themselves, so no need to be overly polite.

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‍5. The Brigade - Bar & Kitchen (London Bridge)

This one makes the list because I love hanging out in London Bridge / Tower Bridge. It’s a good balance of old-London, entrepreneurial optimism and decent coffee.

The toilets aren’t my faves but pre 5pm they’re always empty and they’re perfectly respectable for a decent length toilet break! Enter this rather awkwardly stiff bar and head directly up the stairs in front of you, slightly to the right. The toilets are unmissable up there.

Enjoy yourself and be sure to grab an eggs-benny at the big WatchHouse around the corner.

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Bonus feature

For anyone looking to up their ‘work-from-wherever game’ through the power of unhindered crapping. (Sounds a bit like a 1975 album)

Aim for high-end hotels (why does everything sound like a 1975 album?). They're always comfortable and you always come out smelling expensive. That is, unless you’re like my ex, who refuses to wash her hands because she thinks the government is trying to control her. Don’t worry. I’m confused too. Anyway, high-end hotels are great because the staff are trained not to piss you off. They mostly won’t even engage with you unless only to be helpful. Do remember though, you’ve always got this in the locker if you need it.

“Oh. I’m just meeting a friend, a guest staying here. Apparently I should wait in the lobby. By the way, do you know where the crapper is?”

Get good at finding connecting coffee shops between each toilet. It adds momentum to your day that otherwise wouldn’t be there. A couple of hours of work and a coffee. Stroll to a nice toilet. Then on to the next couple of hours of work and a coffee and so on. This feeling of moving forward to the next destination helps to keep the work flowing, ideas flowing, and of course bowels moving.

Avoid anywhere with lots of people. People = competition for poops.

Avoid pubs. Guaranteed minging toilets.

High-end cinemas are a good back up to high-end hotels. I’m talking about the kind of cinemas that show films you’ve never heard of in languages you didn’t know existed. Picturehouse, Curzon etc. Not only are they good for poopsies but they’re normally always a great spot to actually stop and work! Two birds. One stone.

If a poop turns into a wank (we’ve all been caught off-guard), don’t worry. Leaving a public toilet stinking of jizz sounds bad but literally no one will know. Yes, you may carry the guilt and shame brought upon yourself and your family for a short while but this feeling will dissipate before you’ve had time to order your next cortardo.*

Anyway, happy cacking.

Cheers,
Adam

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*Editor’s Note: 😔