The clocks of the conceptually abstract Roman calendar ticked over from 11.59pm 31st December 2023 to 12.00am January 1st 2024 and all of a sudden, the youth of 1994 are about to turn 30.

If your birthday is soon, then sorry, but you’ll have to pack a lot in before. You’ve had your year. As a September child, I'm basically counting my year from now to achieve what could perhaps be considered an unrealistic amount of personal development in the space of 8 months.

For some reason, perhaps my need for perfectionism (September Virgo from Hell), I haven’t gone for “Use my reusable coffee cup every day” or “Stop getting Ubers everywhere”. Both of which would be very usual financial decisions.

Here is my list of things to do before the younger girls in the office disregard me as a human being, for fear of coming near me would result in them transforming into a 30 year old corpse, wearing M&S Classics collection slacks and smelling of talcum powder and lavender soap.  

1. Laser hair removal.
Is there a reason this is the first one? Not really. I just saw a bunch of my pals who have it and it seems like the kind of thing a 30 year old me would have. I’ve done botox already.

2. Improve my strength and flexibility
I started going to yoga mid last year and it was literally the best decision I’ve made. I’ve never been a running or a gym person and just knew it was time to get my shit together so I don’t get to 30 and keep going ''Oh!" every time I stand up.

3. Hold a Headstand and Crow pose
I basically dream of situations where I would one day be able to show this off.

4. Write my first book
I’ve written the first paragraph. It's a modern gothic.

5. Ask more questions
I always pick up when people don’t ask others any questions in social situations and then I noticed I was so busy sneering at them that I became the one not asking questions! I am the architect of my own downfall. I mean this in a friendly-interested-in-others way. Not in an overly-familiar-Pinterest way when people try to make themselves seem more deep and interesting than others by asking “What colour best describes you?” or “Tell me about your relationship with your parents”. No, Jen, we’re in Soho at 3am, I’m sober waiting for an Uber, and you’re wigging me out.

6. Cycle more
I got back on the proverbial and physical bike last year and got over my fear of cycling in London. I just need to keep doing it.

7. Move house
This is a real pipe dream. Boredom is currently not a good enough reason to start paying more rent.

8. Improve my Spanish
I absolutely will be governed by the green, emotional blackmailing owl.

9. Pay off at least half my credit card
This is where the no Ubers would be really useful.

10. Cook more and new
A oldy but I so easily get stuck in the loop of the same 5 meals. I just love chickpeas, pesto and feta.

11. Make real photo albums
Last year I came off social media (apart from Facebook, cos Marketplace) and decided that having real, physical photo albums would be a much more fun way to keep track of memories.

12. Stop being scared of driving
Time to get over that accident trauma, girlie!

13. Drink alcohol less or not at all
I’m at that point where life without is just so, so much better. I’m too easily depressed to be a drinker.

14. But still go wine tasting
What do you think I am? A saint?

15. Have strong healthy nails
I’m nearly 30! I should be showing the young ones how strong and healthy my nails are.

16. Use BFI membership once a month
I love going to the cinema and do not use this wonderful membership enough.

17. Be more honest
I live in fear of upsetting people, but honesty is better than lying if you don’t like something.

18. Do an on-set project
I used to work in film and now I’m a tech start up girl, which I love but I miss the chaos of being on set, so I want to work on more projects outside work.

19. Stop pulling out the greys
I’m so close.

20. Relax my ego
Lol, just chill girl.

21. Get other writing published
Stopped questioning whether I should and started entering writing competitions.

22. Start writing screenplay
I am funny and I think maybe not the World, but at least Britain should know.

23. Start calling everyone Darling
In time for when I’m ready to enter my Eddy and Patsy era.

24. Don’t try to grow the bob out again
You’re not 19 anymore, I tell myself. The bob looks good. Your travelling, mermaid-hair, elephant trouser days are very much over. Please, just one more trip to Vietnam? A hostel? Nah, I’m good.

25. Buy a really, really nice coat
One that lasts ages. Not helping No. 9.

26. Keep my skin youthful and soft
I simply must continue to be complimented on my youthful complexion.

27. Keep developing style
I’m almost too keen to be the Seasalt wearing Mummy who has colourful specs with salt and pepper hair. That’s the next decade, what does a 30 year old me dress like?  

28. Be friendly to strangers
It turns out smiling and asking how people's day is going feels really good!!

29. Don’t drink shit coffee
I’ll just get herbal tea instead.

30. Stay humble
If you didn’t think I was already, I am very modest and plan to maintain this about myself.